The Duh! Epiphany
I had a sort of epiphany this weekend. It was this: that beyond taking the best care of myself I can and doing what my doctors suggest (within reason), I have zero power or control over my health issues. As I noted with the title above this revelation involved both a feeling of relief as well as a Homer Simpson sort of Doh!, smacking your forehead sort of feeling, because, um... DUH - I'm really not in control here. Of my body's inner workings or the world or the universe or anything else.
Subconsciously I knew this, I think, but consciously I blatently ignored it by putting on a brave face and just muscling through whatever was going on at the time. I'm not entirely sure from where this tendency stems but I think one of the biggest factors is with a complete lack of acceptance of my limitations. We talk about acceptance a lot in the twelve-step program I attend: acceptance of others' behaviors, situations in the universe and everything else that is beyond our control. And one key thing I try to remember, always, is that accepting something doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to like whatever it is I'm accepting. I just have to make peace with the fact that something is the way it is, and learn how to live with it as it is, to the best of my ability.
With my MS and the thyroid issues (which continue to frustrate me this week while even while I can tell things are slowly improving), I think I just put the whole acceptance thing out of my mind in favor of looking forward to when things will be better. I have not been accepting the health issues and dealing with them as they are, on a day by day basis; what I have been doing is bull-headedly (that is so a word) ignoring them and waiting for them to change in the way I want, when I want.
I'm now realizing how very much I've been adding to my own stress (and thus making myself MORE ill) just by mentally fighting my body and what it needs. And all because I have a specific outcome in mind. All because I'm attached to some sort of dream that some magic medication or the right dosage or whatever will come along and make me feel all better. RIGHT NOW. (Because right this very second is the only acceptable timeframe, right?)
So I've been trying, today, to just listen to the information my body is giving me and do what I can to pay attention and heed the advice. But I tell you what I'm discovering: I do not know how to do this. I royally suck at a) giving up ideas I really, really like in favor of not knowing what's coming next, b) identifying when I need help and then, c) asking for it. The truth? I really, really suck at acceptance. In fact, I'm not entirely sure I understand the concept. But, as they say, practice makes perfect. Or at least progress.
And in the meantime, I'll get to be grateful for the little things: today's point of gratitude? I managed to work out for a couple minutes this morning! (This is progress, trust me. Pathetic? Yes. But definitely progress.)
Comments
I think most of us with health issues go though those moments. Where we fight our bodies thinking we can hurry up to some place of "normal." Thanks for your honesty. You are a good example!
~F
Posted by: Fransky | July 8, 2008 11:37 AM