This trip has been a bit odd. In the past on business trips, I've traveled with clients primarily and if I've gone somewhere with colleagues I've been on my own outside of our joint work-related activities. This trip, though, I've traveled with two people with whom I don't work regularly and whom I barely knew prior to meeting them at the airport on Sunday. I certainly know them better now, and I'm glad of it. They are both lovely people.

But we don't have much in common beyond working for the same company. They seem to have things in common with each other, though, so I have ended up feeling a bit like an outsider a lot on this trip. This "outsider-ness" is something that's been a recurrent theme through a lot of my life, and one of the bigger reasons I drank: to fit in.

Drinking is not an option anymore (not that it worked particularly well) so I've learned to just tolerate the discomfort when I find myself in these kinds of situations. But that discomfort, more than anything else, makes me long to be around people who know the real me and love and value me for being that person. And (on the upside) these situations make me appreciate the people who love and understand me all the more.

So I'm feeling a bit blue tonight as a result. I just got back from dinner with my traveling companions and the realization hit me that a lot of what I struggle even with, even now at age almost-33, is wanting everyone to like me, to think I'm fantastic, to seek my opinion, to agree with what I think and be interested in me. Even when those everyones are people I don't agree with or wouldn't necessarily socialize with outside of work, I still want them to like me. And the reality is, not everyone is going to. And I don't get to decide who does and who doesn't. And, further, it's really none of my damn business what anyone else thinks of me.

And all that is just part of life. A hard, crappy part of life. A part of life that makes me extremely uncomfortable and one I'm anxious to avoid as often as possible. I'm not sure what to do or say about it beyond that: it sucks and that's just the way it is. I guess no one ever said that life was going to feel good or be fair all the time.

The question is, what the hell to do about it? How do I walk through this discomfort gracefully? I suppose, just having acknowledged the discomfort and frustrations will make it slightly easier for me to move beyond all these feelings of inadequacy and back into the regular routine of my life. But that doesn't ever happen very quickly and I struggle to be okay with it all even after reminding myself that I can only control my response to each situation I find myself in.

Meanwhile, I have continued to deal with this stupid headache all day, despite trying the variety of remedies suggested. (Thank you all!! I'm thinking, at this point, Linda's suggestion might be the best one yet!) I also called and talked to my doctor's medical assistant, who called me back a few hours later to tell me my doctor was "at a loss" to figure out what was wrong and suggested I go to an urgent care clinic. That's comforting, no?

I decided to skip the urgent care clinic (considering I feel pretty much ok except for the headache) and deal with it after I get home if need be. And, sadly, I wasn't able to get down to the Carnegie Science Center... so I'll have to wait for the Bodies exhibit to make its way back to Portland...

So I'm off to finish packing and call my dad (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, POP!) and then head to bed. (That is, if I don't bang on the wall to get the guest in the room next door to turn down their damned TV already! That's me; the epitome of maturity... :-P )