Losing it. For Real
I don't think I've ever truly had a nervous breakdown. I mean, I've gotten really freaked out before, and a little bit nuts on occasion (okay, often) but completely losing my shit? Doesn't happen very often.
But, people, last week? Hands down, the single worst week of my professional life. (And I'm including in that the two-and-a-half week, cross-country press tour which culminated in my first - and so far only - bout with Optic Neuritis.) And it's not even one Big Huge Thing that happened last week to put me over the edge; rather, it was some toxic combination of too much work coupled with not enough people to do said work, topped by everything going wrong that could go wrong and sprinkled with a number of tiny little nitpicky things showing up over the course of the week adding up, all of which resulted in me working 45 hours over the course of 4 days (two of them being 13-hour days).
By the end of the day on Thursday I was near tears and, quite literally, could not string together a sentence more complex than, "I'm soooo tired," or "Umm... no." (And, strictly speaking, that last one isn't exactly a sentence...) And the saddest part was, I couldn't even take the entire weekend off: I ended up working about 6 hours yesterday as well, just to catch up on the things I should have done last week while I was busy fighting fires.
I'm not entirely sure what the deal is, though, because I used to put in these kinds of hours and, if not totally on top of my game, I was at least still capable of forming a coherent thought and articulating it - either in writing or orally. I'm sure the fact that I'm about 5 years older now hasn't helped matters at all, but could the MS be to blame for this complete cognitive lapse? I know that cognitive impairment is a symptom, but I find it hard to believe it would affect me to the extent that I totally shut down - is that possible? Particularly given how limited the MS activity appears to be in my brain (only 1.5 plaques so far), this seems unlikely.
But then, I just don't know. I know I was exhausted by the time the week was half over, and despite a determined effort on my part to get enough sleep each night, it just never seemed like I could get enough. And truly, I don't write about this to whine about my job (because these things happen and my boss and the team leads are aware, and it will get fixed) so much as I'm just a bit baffled by my body's physical response to this kind of stress. My feet got a bit more tingly than usual, my back got a bit more sensitive than it typically is, but on the whole nothing happened that I could really call a "relapse." So I'm left with, I guess, a determination that I cannot - and should not - be working nearly-50-hour weeks, and that I need to get better about asking for help. And I'm back to waiting to see what the ole' MS does... so far no further issues.
(I'm doing much better today, btw - and shall be off to bed as soon as I hit "publish" on this post!)
In other news...
A few folks have asked how I handled my Technology Free Saturday: the answer is, it was quite nice! I managed to stay offline for about 24 solid hours and I noticed that once I turned the phone and computer back on, I was much less interested in them.
I spent much of Saturday sleeping, but I don't think anyone could blame me given the circumstances. When I wasn't sleeping it was really refreshing to just have the time to sit still. To think. To look out the window and know that I was ok, that everything was ok, right then, just as it was. I also played a little piano, read a bit of a book and gave Rennie a bath. So, all in all, it was a good day and one I plan to continue practicing over the coming weekends.
Comments
Thanks for the comment in my blog. You totally mirror my own feelings. It seems that whatever you do there is a tradeoff and you have to choose between less than perfect choices. I think Tysabri is the best choice for me at this point. As some have pointed out, liver damage is pretty common (I don't concern myself with liver and kidney damage when I take tylenol or advil for a headache.) The advantages of not being overcome with fatigue and having my hands and joints ache is worth it to me. Who wants to live forever anyway? ;-) Thanks for the note, keep up the good work and thanks for blogging, I read your blog and I'm flattered that you looked at mine.
Posted by: Troy | March 11, 2008 10:02 AM