Sour Grapes
If I read one more happy newspaper tale of someone with MS who is chipper and positive and taking their medicine like a good little person, I think I'm going to throw up.
I was poking around the Internet earlier today running searches trying to find out more about the connection between Copaxone and depression; I'll be damned, but I can't seem to avoid all those sickeningly-sweet newspaper articles about someone who's been diagnosed with MS but who is nevertheless "doing what it takes" to live a "normal" life. Or they're "beating the disease." Or their response is to suck it up and do everything their neurologist says because they're a Good Little Patient.
Barf.
If you need me, I'll be over here at MultipleSclerosisSucks.com, reading about what life with MS is really like.
I know I shouldn't say this, but my GOD, I'm SICK TO DEATH of trying to be strong. I'm sick of pretending I feel fine. And I'm REALLY sick of having the media portray all these people with MS like it's no big deal, it's treatable and all you have to do is take a little injection every day/week/month and VOILA! the disease is being "managed" and everything is hunky dory! GAH!
None of the articles I've ever read have mentioned - beyond one sentence, anyway - the way the drugs make you feel or the side effects they impart or the general uncertainty that is living with MS. Nor have they talked about the way lying in an MRI machine for hours on end listening to the banging and clanging is enough to drive you mad. Or how it feels to look at scans of your brain and spinal cord and have a neurologist show you all those little white spots where your body has been attacking itself.
So, um, yeah, the depression is back. I spent the day sleeping and when I awoke around 5 pm I felt good enough to go to Hollywood Video and rent a few movies. But in general, my brain is back to its old tricks, where nothing seems worth doing and life in general doesn't seem worth living. Thankfully, this episode isn't as severe as the last one, but I shall nevertheless be calling my psychiatrist on Monday to see what kind of suggestions he has for my meds.
I'd thought the recent adjustment had helped (and it has, some) but I think I'm going to quit taking the Copaxone and just be on no MS treatment for a while. I know this isn't the ideal scenario and my neurologist probably won't like it, but at this point getting my mental health back seems more important than "possibly" staving off future MS attacks. I was completely willing to be on a drug to help my MS if it didn't interfere too terribly with my quality of life. But let's face it: I feel completely nuts right now and a 30% return on investment (i.e. reducing the number of relapses by 30%) just isn't worth losing my mental health over. Given the choice, I'd prefer a disabled body to a disabled mind.
Comments
It takes great courage to feel and to say what you are experiencing...for this, I applaud you. And although my clapping doesn't relieve or change the place you are in, I still thank you for articulating the circumstance...a place we have all been at one time or another, but sometimes lack the courage to admit or face it (like the "smile and be happy" MSers...blech).
Linda D. in Seattle
Posted by: Linda D. | December 29, 2007 11:40 PM
I agree with Linda, but I have to admit, I'm a bit freaked because this is new to me and I'm getting through my Avonex ok and just dealing and now I don't how I should feel. :(
Posted by: Callie | December 30, 2007 02:22 AM
i've been meaning to blog on a similar topic, so to avoid scooping myself i'll just say "i hear you." although i'm part of "the problem" myself sometimes.
what about trying tysabri? depression isn't one of the side effects of that and it works great for people. do you know courtney from no time for ms? she's really happy with tysabri.
Posted by: jen | December 30, 2007 05:46 AM
I'm with you. I'm tired of having sunshine blown up my skirt. I'm equally tired of hearing everybody's "worst case scenario" stories. I have found that I can't read much about MS anymore because nobody seems to be real about it. MS does suck. The meds suck. I guess that I have come to the point of thinking "I know my own body and mind better than anyone else", I guess I'll just do it my way. At least it makes me feel like I have some power.
Posted by: christyn | December 30, 2007 04:14 PM