And OH MY GOD, the guilt. I actually felt DIRTY. (This is how I imagine it feels to alcoholics who've been in AA for a while and then begin drinking again: you still get loaded but you feel miserable while doing so...)

Anyway, so last night - still feeling tremendously guilty - I sat myself down and reread the chapters about why credit cards and debt are bad in Financial Peace Revisited, which inspired me to dig out my remaining three credit cards and do this:

And this morning, I called up the people at HP's shopping arm and cancelled the card I'd cut up the night before. And as soon as I pay off the other two, they will meet the same fate. I should have done this earlier.

Still, though: I might be going out on a very flimsy limb here, but I think the fact that I felt so darn guilty after using that credit card means I've grown... just the slightest bit. And right after using it I went straight to my budget for December and reallocated enough to cover the amount I spent on the card towards my payment.

I'm not sure what that means - that I have the money to pay for the stuff but spending with the credit card feels somehow better? Freer? Hard to say. What I do know is, I felt some serious guilt which can only be assuaged by spilling my guts and resolving to do better in the future. (And now I have to do better: I don't have the cards!!) The only thing I can say is that my brain is a scary, crazy place. It doesn't make sense sometimes - even to me.