Behind Blue Eyes: Boundary-Setting Deficiencies

So first off, it's with some embarrassment that I have to admit that yesterday was my 18 month sobriety anniversary and despite posting a blog entry with random observations, I totally forgot that yesterday was the day. Odd. So there we go. Go me! Woo!

But that said, at 18 months sober I am astonished at how little I still know about living life on life's terms. About taking care of myself first so that I can be of service to others.

I don't write about work very often, but looking back at the last few weeks I realized how poorly I set lines and asked for what I needed from my manager and colleagues. And upon a bit more reflection, I'm seeing too how things have been building up to this point over the last 4 or 5 months or so. I take on one thing because I want to do it. And then another, because it came up, and I can put off x activity for a week and get to it later. And before I know it, things snowball and I'm behind.

And rather than ask for help? I justify trying to do it all myself because I know how busy everyone else on the team is too. Or I feel like I should be able to get it all done. So I take on more and more and get more and more tired and crankier and bitchier and more resentful until I crack.

The reality is, it's my ego getting in the way. I am a) being a martyr, b) a control freak and c) wanting to "look good" for everyone else. And at the end of the day I am only hurting myself.

And this is such a hard lesson for me to learn. Anais over at Know a New Freedon had an interesting post about this very subject the other day and it was a great reminder to me that when we take care of ourselves first we're practicing self-love and thus, much more able to do for others. And further, we don't need to justify or explain this self-care to anyone.

I don't know why it is that I feel - consciously or not - that I don't deserve to have my needs met. I saw this happen this week - me putting everyone else's needs and requests ahead of my own, and by the end of the week I got so tired and so angry and so bitter about it all I just wanted to scream "FUCK IT," throw the computer out the window and leave town. And then to feel my body start to slide, ever so slightly each day, I just get more and more angry. More and more resentful. And less and less sane.

I suspect this is a case of my low self-esteem revealing itself in new and baffling ways.

I'm meeting up with my sponsor tomorrow for lunch, and I think this is one of the things I want to work on over the next year or so: how do I start building myself up in my own eyes? How do I ensure my needs are being met, so I can be of maximum service to others? And how do I do that without feeling guilty about it?

For starters, I need to get really clear on where my lines are, so I can draw - and stick to - them for other people.

November 2008

Comments

I'm sure your sponsor would totally disagree with me, but...(big butt here)

I believe the day you STOP remembering and counting how many months sobriety you have, is the day you can claim addiction is no longer ruling your life...this coming from an almost 20 year sober alcoholic (but my last drink WAS at Cafe Adobe on July 20, 1987...margarita. LOL)

Yeah, that boundary thing is a bitch, but keep plugging away at it...it does get easier with age (and disease), mostly because I think as we get older, we just stop giving a crap! LOL

Linda D. in Seattle

Posted by: Linda D. | May 5, 2007 01:05 AM

You know Zee I love you so much & it's exciting to watch you grow into the WOMAN you're meant to be. It's one day at a time, one lesson at a time. @ steps forward & sometimes 3 steps back. Remember it's just for today. That's it. You'll NEVER be perfect. But you are great & together WE can do great things for ourselves & each other. ~F

Posted by: FrancesM | May 5, 2007 12:57 PM

nothing deep to add, just congrats on the 18 months!

Posted by: jen | May 5, 2007 02:19 PM

i didn't mean that last comment to sound callous. i just don't think i have anything useful to say about boundaries. i can totally relate to low self esteem, although mine would manifest in different ways. the big underlying issue behind all my issues is feeling like i'll never be good enough. in the past five years or so i've mostly gotten past that. but i can't really articulate how, except that it had a lot to do with doing the landmark forum. you might want to check it out.

Posted by: jen | May 5, 2007 02:31 PM

Congrats!! Can't believe it's been 6 months since I was first in Portland. Keep it up, xx

Posted by: Ra | May 8, 2007 03:12 AM

Yeah, Happy 18 month Anniversary!!!!

Posted by: Ocean Breeze | May 9, 2007 08:25 AM